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“I Came, I Saw, but I Didn't Come” - Why a Man Might Be Unable to Have an Orgasm - Sexual Improvements

“I Came, I Saw, but I Didn’t Come” – Why a Man Might Be Unable to Have an Orgasm

Not only do some men have problems with erectile dysfunction, but some will also experience a condition called delayed ejaculation or in simpler words, they are unable to have an orgasm.

It’s the easiest thing in the world for a man to orgasm, right?  Men are just walking testosterone machines just looking for permission to spread their seed.  Or at least, that’s the stereotype we always hear.  But in many cases it’s not true.

Naturally, a man’s complete inability to orgasm confuses his partner, who wants to be able to make him come and make the sexual experience good for the both of them.

Now she feels like she can’t satisfy him sexually, while the guy feels emasculated as a man.  After all, in American culture, we put so much emphasis on male virility and the ability to stay hard, orgasm at will, and to be ready anytime anywhere!

A man may even be confused at the problem.  Erectile dysfunction is one thing but what if a man can get hard, drive a woman crazy with his stamina…but then never finish?  His partner may tug at him for minutes on end but nothing’s happening down there!

That’s when things go from sexy to awkward…to embarrassing!

But don’t fret it—it happens to a lot of guys, and we’re not being paid by your girlfriend to tell you that.  According to studies, it’s true— a Sex In America survey said that 28 percent of men (below senior age) suffer from non-ejaculation problems.  Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just another aging condition, but affects teenagers as well as young, middle aged and older men.

Men with the condition have reported having no orgasms at all, taking close to an hour to come, or finding it impossible to reach ejaculation through intercourse or oral sex alone.

Physical reasons behind not being able to climax

Physical Reasons behind Being Unable to Climax

Before you conclude that orgasmic dysfunction is a terrifying mental disorder (and that you’re also going to go blind and grow hairy palms!) consider common physical reasons why delayed ejaculation affects a good portion of the male population:

Physical reasons that lead to unable to orgasm

Aging due to lower testosterone: When you age, hormonal changes in the body occur, and your penis may need more stimulation (more blood flow) not just to stay hard, but also to ejaculate.

Side effects of certain medications: Alcohol can wreak havoc on a man’s natural ability to get blood flowing to the penis.  Antidepressants, pain relieving drugs and blood pressure drugs can also change blood pressure, leading to poor ejaculation problems.

Uncommon Medical Conditions: Occasionally, problems ejaculating can result from certain neurological conditions like multiple sclerosis or diabetes.

Weak pelvic floor muscles: Another little known occurrence when a man ages—his pelvic floor muscles get weaker.  This means instead of a geyser down there like you remember, you may actually get just little dribbles of semen, or a weak orgasm that barely even counts as sex.

The good news is that it’s probably not a major medical condition.  Aging, which affects most men sexually in some way, is not the death sentence for a man’s sex life.  All it really means is that it’s time to take your health seriously again.

When you’re young you get several “free years” of wastefulness where you can eat burgers all day long, drink soda pop, and still make love like a stallion.  As you age, more effort is required in dieting, staying physically fit and staying active, so that you can get blood flowing—and blood is the life force of proper erectile function, whether you do it artificially with Viagra, or just by giving your body a health boost.

“Help, I Can’t Orgasm!” Is It All in My Head?

Feeling blocked and unable to orgasm

The bad news…more often than not, delayed ejaculation or being unable to reach orgasm completely is a mental block.  But it’s not something that’s unfixable, nor is it something uncommon.  Just like women can get “blocked” from being able to orgasm, men have their own version of orgasm avoidance, and it can be subconscious.

Stress Kills Woodies!

Unable to orgasm tips

Stress is the biggest sex killer of all and when you combine life stress with performance anxiety and constantly worrying about your erections, you’ve got a bad night coming your way.  It can also be different kinds of stress, from a cold relationship with your partner, to harboring resentment over an argument earlier, to even the fear of getting your partner pregnant.  Depression and poor body image, even religious guilt, have also been cited as causes.

When Self-Pleasure Becomes Self-Abuse

First of all, there is no such thing as over-masturbation, despite what the pastor told you.  Men masturbate frequently and the act by itself is not a risk for any sexual dysfunction.  However, there IS such a thing as being too rough during self-pleasuring.

What happens is that men train themselves to masturbate with rough hand tugs, or in some cases inserting their member between two mattresses.  This actually trains the body to accept that this roughhousing is the correct way to ejaculate.  Some guys get so carried away punishing themselves with pleasure, they go well and beyond what a woman’s handjob could ever do—and they traumatize their own penis!

Remember that it’s not always about roughness either; some sex toys can be so pleasurable that they exceed the naturalness of penetrative sex and men can become addicted to the artificial sensations, over the fantasy in real life.  In this case, a low caliber robot has literally stolen you from your girlfriend!

Unable to Have an Orgasm? Stop Being a Man Slave!

When interviewed for AARP, sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein said that there is a “delivery boy” attitude among some men that eventually causes them to be unable to have an orgasm.  

“When a man pays too much attention to [the woman] and not enough to his own body, he loses focus.”

Quite literally, men become so used to having “staying power” and “finishing last” that they train their bodies to be resistant to sensation and they are unable to reach orgasm.  They’ve taught themselves, probably for years, that they are man-slaves and pleasers of women.

If they come too soon, they’re going to be a disappointment to their partner.  Therefore, a case of possible premature ejaculation has now evolved into sure-thing case of delayed ejaculation—and either way, a woman feels cheated out of a truly intense and erotic experience.

Remember that part of a woman’s fun in bed is the ego boost she gets from making a man orgasm and ejaculate, not simply because he’s ready to come, but because she’s just that sexy and he can’t help but surrender to his passion for her.  When a man focuses too much on “finishing last” and having extra-long staying power, he’s only hurting himself and giving his subconscious mind all sorts of mixed messages.

6 Steps in Getting Your Mojo Back

Ironically, the “Tao” by Laozi—a sort of sex book for ancient horny Chinese philosophers—taught that “real men” withhold ejaculation from women so that they can build up spiritual energy and give their mind and body a superhuman boost.

Some modern day sex books have even lifted Laozi’s ideas and tried to call it multi-orgasmic male potential.  While it’s true that men can become multi-orgasmic in theory, it’s impractical to teach that it’s solely because they withhold their sperm.  This is just going to cause more problems than it actually cures.  A man’s super-orgasm has more to do with learning how to breathe deeply, extending foreplay beyond the usual 20-30 minutes, and meditating on erotic thoughts with a partner.

Unable to orgasm and how to get your mojo back

The key to beating this problem is to refocus your mind.

That brings us to Step 1…

1. Reprogram Your Body to Slow Down

Learn to re-sensitive your body and get back in touch with your own sensual pleasure.  If you’ve trained yourself to ejaculate on command like a bull, then STOP trying to ejaculate.  Take a time out and relearn the eroticism of touching, foreplay and loving sex with a partner.  Don’t try to orgasm.  Just reintroduce your body to pleasure that comes from your partner touching you, from soft and slow penetration, and from a sensual massage.  Getting your body out of the routine of fast ejaculation is an important starting point.  This activity of sensate focus has been used in sexual therapy since the glory days of Masters and Johnson.

Are you unable to orgasm? Learn to slow down!

2. Let Your Partner Guide You

If the problem is that you masturbate on your own, but can’t ejaculate with a partner, then try letting your partner take control of your body.  Show her the intensity, grip and speed you need to orgasm with oral sex or hand stroking.  Over time, you may allow her greater control over your body and open yourself up to new experiences, that end in a different kind of orgasm than you’re accustomed to in the routine.

3. Learn to Better Communicate as a Couple

You could say that difficulty reaching ejaculation results because a couple is not speaking to each other as intimately as they used to do.  That’s why talking more about what turns you on (fantasies, sexual adventures or games) can help get you back on the same wave length.

If your partner is not stroking you correctly, don’t fake it or try to enjoy it.  Instead, communicate—tell her how to change the stroke.  Tell her how to change the pressure or speed.  Masturbating in front of your partner, if possible, may be the best way to teach her.  If you cannot orgasm and ejaculate at all, still, letting your partner be part of the intimate communication is a major step forward from the isolation that may have caused the problem.

You might be surprised at how ejaculation and orgasm problems in many couples are directly related to communication and relationship problems.  Men can “withhold” just like woman can, subconsciously or willfully, if there are serious and unresolved issues.

4. Use More Lubricant

There is really no such thing as using too much lube, whether you’re male or female.  Dryness is and always has been a block to uninhibited orgasm.  Women may have trouble getting wet enough for penetration while men may chafe if they are dry and stroking or penetrating.  When in doubt, always use more lube.

5. Learn to Breathe Deeply and Exercise Your Pelvic Floor Muscles

Learning how to breathe deeply may seem contradictory, since we tend to take fast, shallow breaths when orgasming.  On the other hand, when you breathe deeply you relax your nervous system, thereby making it easier for blood to flow and for your natural erotic stimulation—not based on rough fondling—can return to you.

Likewise, if you’re having problems maintaining a strong erection or cannot ejaculate, improving the strength of your pelvic floor muscles may help.  Kegel exercises involve flexing those pelvic muscles (the same squeezing sensation you get when you hold back urine) and then doing repetitions of flexes, as well as holding the squeeze for longer periods of time.

6. Lastly, See a Doctor to Make Sure It’s Not a Rare Medical Thing!

If none of these approaches work, and you cannot physically ejaculate with any assistance or setting, the safest course of action may be to see a doctor.  While most ejaculation problems are psychological or lifestyle-related, sometimes infections, drug side effects and serious neurological conditions can worsen the condition.

Your Orgasm Is Your “Safe Space”!

Your orgasm is your 'safe place'

Maybe the real issue has always been the misconception that men are sexual animals that can always perform on command, when in fact, we are more like women than not.   The circumstances have to be right before a man can truly let go and allow himself to lose control

Practically every man has his own boundaries and his own personal comfort zone when it comes to sex and ejaculating—which is a highly personal moment where he trusts a woman and lets go of his inhibitions.  Most men are not “sex performers” like you might see on porn channels.  We all have a sensitive side and an “ideal scenario” in which we feel comfortable handing over control to our partner.

What is your personal comfort zone, a sexual “safe space”, if you will?  Do you like a clean environment, a supportive and excited partner?  Maybe an hour of calming foreplay would better relax you.  Try to define your ideal scenario and let your partner help you create it the next time you want to make love.

The real goal in finding a way to treat delayed ejaculation is finding your sexual comfort zone and letting your partner help you make it there.

Because seriously guys…life is just too short not to enjoy more orgasms! For more about problems with ejaculation check out one of my latest posts.

Source Material

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201203/mens-secret-sex-problem, http://www.aarp.org/relationships/love-sex/info-11-2010/men_sex_problem_cannot_climax.html, http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/sensate-focus

Mark Meyers

Mark is founder and sexcoach at Sexual Improvements. "Anyone can have an awesome sexlife with the right information!"

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