Learning how to finger a woman may not be as easy as you think. Sure, you might have seen a man do it before in porn, or on YouTube, or you may have gotten a lesson from your worldly-wise older brother who claims his technique “always works.”
The truth is learning how to be an expert vagina whisperer requires a combination of:
- Scientific know-how
- Paying attention to your partner’s sexual response
- Being adaptable in your technique
Because one major misconception is that the G-spot is a one size fits all miracle maneuver, every bit as effective as Hulk Hogan’s leg drop from the 1980s. But you might be surprised to know that some scientists are not even convinced that there IS a real G-spot, let alone that it “always works.”
Strange but true—one report from the Clinical Anatomy journal, suggests many doctors believe the G-spot (and the vaginal orgasm) is entirely a psychological phenomenon. Dr. Gail Saltz, joins others in their refuting of Dr. Grafenberg, the original “discoverer” of the G-spot.
Or at least we can say Grafenberg was the first to write scientific studies on it in the modern era, because as far back as Aristotle they were talking about female ejaculation!
The latest theory is that Grafenberg’s research was compromised because the woman he “proved” the study on had a condition called “grade one cystocele”, which weakened the tissue between the bladed and the vaginal wall. The Huffington Post article went onto say that neglecting the clitoris in favor of the G-spot may be a source of frustration for women that can never seem to have the “squirting, out-of-this-world” orgasm they were promised.
Table of contents
- 1 Why the G-Spot Should Work
- 2 Stuff You Might Forget When Finding How to Finger a Woman
Why the G-Spot Should Work
In theory, and assuming we’re siding with the majority of sex therapists and doctors who believe in the G-spot because of anecdotal evidence, the fingering techniques you learn work because they stimulate a concentration of nerve endings near the entrance of the vagina. Some call it a “urethral sponge” and anecdotally, millions of women swear by it.
The reason you should try it is because:
- Regardless of the G-spot, fingering a woman’s vagina will stimulate nerve endings in the vaginal entrance, so it’s going to feel good either way!
- Fingering the clitoris and surrounding area can be just as intense as a G-spot orgasm.
- It’s very possible your partner doesn’t know how to stimulate the G-spot from a lack of practice or from bad experiences from past lovers who had no idea what they were doing.
- The more you learn about her vagina, the better…learning every subtle nuance of your lover’s body helps you stay attune to what she feels and wants.
Let’s start with a simple five-step solution for beginners who have never looked for the clitoris and G-spot before, and then expand with additional steps for guys who seem to have “lost” that hotspot and want to know how to get it back.
1. You must have clean, smooth fingernails.
Not only is cleanliness important since you’re going where few men have dared to gone before, but also because trimmed nails protect her sensitive vaginal tissue. In fact, you should trim your nails well in advance of your special night, in order to give your fingers a chance to smoothen out. Wash your hands before hand. Now that you’re all cleaned up, she can relax and YOU can relax. If your fingers are in good shape, there’s no need to worry about hurting her. No need to hold back.
2. Remember the wetter the better!
In order to comfortably penetrate her vagina, you must make sure she is wet. This requires plenty of foreplay and “warm up” time before you go down. In fact, attacking her clit right away like it’s a “Final Boss” or something is usually not the way to go.
You want her extremely wet for ideal exploration—this means more time kissing, more time lip caressing her neck, her ears, legs, and thighs. Even after you spend time on her other erogenous zones, you should stall and meander around the crotch. Give more than “lip service” to her outer labia, her mons pubis (the area right above the pubic hair), and then her inner labia lips.
Learning how to finger a woman is NOT just fingering the clit or fingering the G-spot, but fingering her entire pelvis area and beyond. You want to tease her, give every spot proper attention, and make sure she’s wet and boiling over by the time you’re ready to think about moving onto the G-spot.
3. Learn about a woman’s body beforehand and know what to expect when you start learning how to finger.
The outer labia majora are the exterior lips where she may have pubic hair or be shaven. These are not as sensitive as the labia minora, which are smaller lips and may be in a variety of shapes; some perfectly tucked and others much looser. The inner lips require more delicate touching and caressing. The clitoris is located just above the urethra and towards the top of the labia. The hood or glans of the clitoris protects it. When a woman is turned on, the clitoris swells and become erect; as she approaches orgasm it “hides” again. This spot is highly sensitive and usually slower is better until she becomes accustomed to a harder, faster rhythm. Many women will not want direct clitoral pressure since that could be uncomfortable, but rather, a combination of lightly putting pressure on both the clitoris and clitoral hood.
4. Feel the texture inside until you find the G-spot “patch.”
The nerve endings Grafenberg referred to exist in every woman’s vagina and are located approximately two inches inside and on the top wall. If she were to set on her back and spread her legs you could find the rougher patch of skin by pushing in a finger with the palm up and curling it, as in a “come hither” gesture. Finger entry, like penis entry, should be slow and only according to her go-ahead. Just because it’s a finger and smaller in girth doesn’t mean she wants it rough.
The G-spot will have a different texture than the rest of the vaginal wall. Once you identify the area (described by some as bean-shaped) began stroking it softly and in a rhythmic motion. As she gets used to the feeling, eventually you will increase the pressure and speed. Just poking at the spot will not work—intensity brings out the reaction, as if a stroking or scooping motion.
5. Help your partner get comfortable.
Not all women will initially like the feeling of G-spot stimulation and may say that they feel like they have to pee. This is normal and happens frequently because what they feel is actually ejaculate fluid wanting to come forth from the urethra. So it will feel like peeing to them, but will probably be female ejaculation.
One Tantra guru called it a matter of “building the ejaculate… and then having the confidence to release it.” A woman will not have that confidence, since she finds the idea of peeing on her lover embarrassing. So it takes a strong and determined man to assure her that it’s OK to accept that feeling, and not freak out in case she really does pee. (It’s not going to kill you guys, really…)
Stuff You Might Forget When Finding How to Finger a Woman
Are you thinking to yourself, “OK…I tried it but it didn’t work!”
No problem because in our next in our list of finger lessons we’ll consider some of the less commonly known tips—including the sobering thought that sometimes G-spot stimulation is not enough.
6. Combine clitoral and G-spot stimulation for a cumulative effect.
One survey reveals that up to 70 percent of women cannot orgasm at all unless they have direct clitoral stimulation. So if your lover doesn’t seem responsive to just G-spot fingering, combining a clitoral stroke with the G-spot (substituting a tongue for a finger if necessary) may be what she needs to feel the earth move.
7. Invest time and increase your finger stamina.
Impatient men are only ruining all capacity for G-spot responsive women. Some women will take over 20 minutes to come, even with direct stimulation. You must reassure her that time doesn’t matter and that you can keep the pressure building for as long as she needs to let go and enjoy the feeling. Many women are sensitive about taking too long and feel bad about the man’s suffering.
Suffering? We should all be so lucky! By all means, let her know that it’s a privilege and a joy to be under the hood and you’re not going anywhere.
8. Vary the pressure, the rhythm and the pressure if necessary.
So much of pleasing a woman and giving her a good fingering is about learning her sexual response. Rather than sticking to a rigid formula for G-spot stroking, be adaptable. Ask her what feels good as you rub up and down or side to side. Try using more fingers or different speeds and patterns.
Do the same thing with the clitoris. Some women may respond differently to stroking different “sides” of the clitoris, or moving in a specific direction against the clitoral hood. Sometimes a man may be touching too much of the hood and not enough of the clitoris. Sometimes she may not want too much direct pressure.
What really matters is that the considerate lover takes the time to ask her how she likes to be touched and if she likes it when he does “this” or “that”. He will watch her body’s movements, listen to her voice as well as her sighs and changes in breathing, to see what works and what doesn’t. If he notices she is not responding with feedback, he decreases pressure. He adjusts his technique to “find her secret code”, so to speak.
There is definitely nothing wrong with creating a back and forth dialog with your lover. There’s nothing unromantic about open communication. She may be able to direct you to a more sensitive spot and let you know if and when she wants it faster. She may even respond better with a vibrator at first—especially if she’s inexperienced at having G-spot orgasms. Don’t be intimidated to let her find her own comfort zone. Allowing a woman to explore her body at her own pace, without making the experience all about you, is essential.
9. Remember exterior stimulation only helps.
Some guys are so hyper focused on the G-spot or clit they forget to use their other fingers and hands during the session. Whether it’s pressing on her belly or her pubic bone, or licking her clit while fingering her G-spot, the more you overwhelm her multiple erogenous zones, the more likely she will have that all encompassing full body orgasm that she’s heard so much about.
10. When in doubt use more lube.
Even if a woman is dripping wet, there’s not a lot of reason to avoid lube. More often than not, she never gets enough wetness to ease the friction. Her clitoris is especially sensitive if it’s dry and finger-vaginal entry can also lose wetness after several minutes of stroking. Keeping extra lube around will only enhance her natural wetness. The very idea of drying out can make a woman nervous, so do everything in your power to alleviate her worry.
The simple truth is that when you learn how to finger a woman you commit to giving her an orgasm on her own terms and not according to what you expect, or even what she thinks you expect. The worst thing you can do to turn her off fingering is try to demand perfection from her and to come because you’re stroking her just the way the sex doctor said to do it!
New studies coming out of New Scientist magazine also confirm a reality for all men who travel the fertile plain. No woman is completely alike when it comes to clitoral or G-spot response. For instance, one study showed that women who had vaginal orgasms also had a thicker tissue along the vaginal wall. This indicated that either this extra thickness was an extended area of the clitoris or perhaps better developed orgasmic “muscles” that would make G-spot easier.
As you can see, the key is not to think of it as any kind of sexual dysfunction. Orgasmic problems are usually not tied to wrong technique or a woman’s unusual shape or texture. Rather, it’s closely related to how easily a woman and her partner can relax and explore the terrain with enthusiasm, patience and most of all, loving devotion to each other.
They enjoy the search, the journey, and they always find what they’re looking for, imperfections and all, because they are on an ongoing mission to please each other.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/09/g-spot-vaginal-orgasm-myth_n_5947930.html, http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/big-secret-female-ejaculation-and-g-spot-how-all-woman-can-experience-it, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-and-sex/201209/female-orgasm-time-stop-shoulding-ourselves, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7254523.stm